UAL Flight 930

My daughter is in Europe and on her first self-paid vacation as I write this. In fact she turned 22 today in London just as her jet landed.

Oddly, tho she is a fully-grown young lady with a good head on her shoulders, as a dad, I still feel about the same as I did a short 8 years ago when she was just 14 and taking her first trip out of the country.

At that time, it was just a short missions trip with our church youth group to Mexico. I knew the leader of the group, and trusted him. Yet the thought of MY child being so far away, and ME being unable to physically intervene in any kind of emergency just wasn't a comforting feeling. And it still isn't today. Which is probably why I tracked her flight using a web based tracking site. The graphic above shows her flight just as is was leaving the Northern American continent.

Funny, you count the days until they can grow up, leave the nest, and take care of themselves. Then when it comes, you wish you had those old days back again.

Inconsistency, thy name is Dad.

Viva la difference!

When I was a pre-teen in the late 60’s, early 70’s, the Women’s movement started taking an aggressive, militant form. At least, that’s when I remember it taking shape. Helen Reddy’s popular tune, “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar,” was the anthem for the movement. Bras were burned, men’s faces were slapped for opening the door for a woman, the mantra was that women were exactly equal to (or in fact, better than) men and no one should dare claim otherwise.

Now much of what happened in that initial phase of the women’s movement was a pent up explosion of hostility many women rightly felt towards the status quo of the time. Women had been relegated to lesser paying jobs, or worse yet, paid less for doing the same job as a man. Many jobs weren’t even open to them. And I had no problem with those wrongs being righted. But the absurd notion that women and men were exactly the same in every and ALL ways, and thus, should be treated as such has been underlined, highlighted and put in BOLD text with this recent report about plastering a men’s room with photos of gawking and laughing women.

It’s been reported that the brand new, $45 million Hotel Sofitel in Queenstown, New Zealand is featuring local models with humorous looks on their faces as they check out the men while they take care of their business in the hotel toilet.

Now if anyone could possible imagine the REVERSE case scenario to this story ever actually taking place, then they should also have no problem imagining the public hue and cry that would result from such an outrage. The author of such an idea would be labeled a sexist pig and be run out of town on a rail … if he was lucky. More likely he would be taken to court for some kind of sex crime.

However, in the current case, this story is considered humorous and lighthearted, and certainly isn’t making the red hot headlines a reverse situation would invoke.

In fact, I would get a big laugh out of it myself.

So the next time someone tells you there is no difference between men and women, take a gander at their genitals, laugh out loud ... if you find yourself locked up with a bunch of other men, you’ll know I’m right. Or, if you can then just calmly walk away, leaving a red faced gentleman in your wake, you’ll STILL know I’m right.

Note to self, and anyone else reading this ...

If you should be so fortunate as to have the opportunity to sell your home, have the escrow close on a Thursday, get the escrow money on Friday and then go out and buy a ton of new camera equipment ('cuz you couldn't do it until you had the escrow money for sure) and prepare the new equipment for use on Saturday because that's when you have a wedding to shoot, then move your entire household on Sunday 'cuz that's the only day left to you ... I would rather highly advise against it.

However, your humble correspondent did just that, and will now have a nervous breakdown if you don't mind.

Something NEW to worry about...

Anyone my age remembers the old Chevy Chase & Gilda Radner SNL skit about the Land Shark. If you're not familiar with it, Chevy Chase plays the part of shark that has somehow found out how to walk on land. The rest of it goes something like this ...

1. Chevy (hidden behind closed door): KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!
   
2. Gilda: [ moves to chain-locked door ] Who is it?
   
3. Chevy: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Ramilarghh??
   
4. Gilda: Who is it?
   
5. Chevy: [ muffled voice ] Plumber..
   
6. Gilda: Plumber? I didn't ask for a plumber. Who is it?
   Chevy: [ muffled voice ] Telegram.
   
7. Gilda: Oh. Telegram. Just a moment.
   

Upon opening the door, a huge puppet shark instantly and deviously devours Gilda Radner.

Well, once again, life has imitated art. Apparently a local bear in the town of Gerovo in western Croatia has discovered he can con an innocent party into answering the door simply by knocking. Once inside, he does what bears do best -- scares the bejeebers out of the human occupants and raids the pantry of the quickly evacuated premises.

It isn't bad enough I have to hang my food on the highest tree limb when I go camping, now I gotta worry about seeing bears thru my front door's peep hole. You gotta know that if ONE bear has figured this out now, there's another bear somewhere else putting the news on the Internet for all the other bears to share the wealth. I mean, if wildlife can knock on doors now, it's just a matter of time before they figure out the Net if they haven't already.

How the D-day invasion would be reported by today's press

I wish I could claim authorship of this piece. At present, I am unable to attribute ownership, but I think it's worth sharing ...

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NORMANDY, FRANCE, JUNE 6, 1944 (AP) - Three hundred French civilians were killed and thousands more were wounded today in the first hours of America's invasion of continental Europe. Casualties were heaviest among women and children. Most of the French casualties were the result of artillery fire from American ships attempting to knock out German fortifications prior to the landing of hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops.

Reports from a makeshift hospital in the French town of St. Mere Eglise said the carnage was far worse than the French had anticipated, and that reaction against the American invasion was running high. "We are dying for no reason, "said a Frenchman speaking on condition of anonymity, "Americans can't even shoot straight. I never thought I'd say this, but life was better under Adolph Hitler."

The invasion also caused severe environmental damage. American troops, tanks, trucks and machinery destroyed miles of pristine shoreline and thousands of acres of ecologically sensitive wetlands. It was believed that the habitat of the spineless French crab was completely wiped out, thus threatening the species with extinction. A representative of Greenpeace said his organization, which had tried to stall the invasion for over a year, was appalled at the destruction, but not surprised.

"This is just another example of how the military destroys the environment without a second thought," said Christine Moanmore. "And it's all about corporate greed."

Contacted at his Manhattan condo, a member of the French government-in-exile, who abandoned Paris when Hitler invaded, said the invasion was based solely on American financial interests. "Everyone knows that President Roosevelt has ties to 'big beer'," said Pierre LeWimp. "Once the German beer industry is conquered, Roosevelt's beer cronies will control the world market and make a fortune."

Administration supporters said America's aggressive actions were based in part on the assertions of controversial scientist Albert Einstein, who sent a letter to Roosevelt speculating that the Germans were developing a secret weapon -- a so-called "atomic bomb." Such a weapon could produce casualties on a scale never seen before and cause environmental damage, that could last for thousands of years.

Hitler has denied having such a weapon and international inspectors were unable to locate such weapons even after spending two long weekends in Germany.

Shortly after the invasion began, reports surfaced that German prisoners had been abused by American soldiers. Mistreatment of Jews by Germans at their so-called "concentration camps" has been rumored, but so far this remains unproven.

Several thousand Americans died during the first hours of the invasion, and French officials are concerned that the uncollected corpses will pose a public-health risk. "The Americans should have planned for this in advance," they said. "It's their mess, and we don't intend to help clean it up."

Calling All Investors

Have I got a deal for you!? I've come across and excellent building proposal involving the construction of a new hotel and restaurant on some prime property located in the town of Weare, New Hampshire.

The bad news is, there is a private home currently located on the property, but the REALLY great news is, now that the Supreme Court has cleared the way for eminent domain of private property - as stated in the Kelo v. City of New London decision, handed down Thursday - we need not worry our pretty little heads about evicting the current resident. We simply need to convince only 3 of the five members of the Board of Selectmen in the town of Weare that the new development will create a much larger tax base than as is currently used in it's present state as a private home.

In fact, the current resident is very well situated and will easily be able to take the monies received via eminent domain and relocate to a new property ... so it's not like we'll be evicting a little old grandmother on welfare.

So this is really a win win win situation for ALL concerned.

The town of Weare creates a larger tax base to support it's citizenry, the investors get to benefit from the income the new property will generate, and the current resident will be justly compensated for his loss AND will be very happy to see that he is participating in this great new ruling just handed down by the Supreme Court.

Who's the current resident? (This is the beautiful, all is right in the world of karma, part...)

The current resident is none other than Supreme Court Justice, David Souter.

Read the story here.

Here's Your Sign!

A lot of you are probably familiar with the Bill Engvall (often attributed to Jeff Foxworthy) comedy routine about stupid people. His premise in that bit is that stupid people should have a sign that WARNS the rest of us that they are stupid. So, later on in the sketch, he just starts announcing to stupid people, "Here's your sign."

Well, it was reported that yesterday, apparently the Snapple people thought it would be a good idea to make the world's largest popsicle and erect it in a busy New York intersection ... on an 80-degree Summer day.

Imagine their horrified astonishment when the 25-foot-tall, 17 and one-half ton frozen treat quickly started melting into a sugary lava flow that looked more like a slushy than a popsicle. Police had to close off several streets and re-route busy traffic as the sticky goo was washed away by the FDNY.

Apparently the Big Sicle was no match for the Big Apple.

Who'da figured 80-degree heat would do something like that?

Here's your sign ...

New Lotto Game!!

Great NEWS!

California has acquired a new lottery game! It's called Mega Millions. So now there is yet another way to lose a buck; or suffer as some have called it -- a tax on the stupid.

However, your humble correspondent has devised a brilliant way around this waste of time and effort. Yes, I never squander my time driving to the local convenience store only to wait in line with the hordes of other losers. No sir-ree, I play the home lottery game. The rules are as thus:

1. Take a crisp one-dollar bill from your wallet.
   
2. Drop same in the nearest home toilet.
   
3. Flush.
   
4. Repeat as necessary until you win.
   

I've found I get the exact same results as when I put out all the effort of driving to the local 7-11 to buy a ticket.

Try it, I think you'll agree.

How to live like royalty on just $1.12 a year!

Well folks, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, a recent Reuters report has declared that it is possible to live like royalty on ONLY $1.12 per year. That's right! YOU TOO can wine and dine with kings and queens, live in opulent palaces, jet all over the world at a moments notice, be able to afford the most extravagant clothing, expensive cars -- even divorce your beautiful wife and marry an aging, horse-faced divorcee on ONLY $1.12 per year.

The bad news is you have to be able to con that amount out of every taxpayer in the U.K. each and every year.

Read the entire story here.

Nice work if you can get it tho ...

And a simple $89.10 later, my toilet flushes again!

Yep. This entry is short and sweet folks. (Well, actually, it wasn't that sweet.) But let's just say if you get the chance to be lazy and assume that you can just flush that paper towel down the toilet, cuz after all, it's not THAT big ... think again. It may just cost you $89.10 to enjoy the normal operation of your porcelain throne once again.

Call me lazy, but I was doing some cleaning around the bathroom and decided, "Hey, it's just a simple paper towel, I'll drop it in, let it soak, then it will flush down fine." Well, I might have gotten away with it once, but bonehead me decided to do it with a SECOND paper towel as well. Needless to say, after the first flush, it backed up BIG TIME.

"No problem." I thought. "I'll just break out the handy plunger." It's always worked before.

20 minutes, and a disgusting soupy mess later, I figured, "Okay, this isn't working, I'll go down to the Home Depot and get a snake and fix it in a jiffy."

An hour later, I'm back home gingerly trying to coax the snake to FIRST go thru the 10 or 12 inches of brackish swill, THEN navigate the length of the plumbing in the hope of dislodging the offending paper towels.

Ten minutes of repeated failure later, I figured I'd have to do the UNthinkable, and stick my hands in that mess if I was EVER gonna get that stupid snake to get past the bend in the toilet's plumbing.

Another disgusting ten minutes, and up-to-my-right-arm's-elbow-in-the-odious-slop later, I pulled my arm out of the unearthly mess, disinfected it as best as I could without using an autoclave or resorting to amputation, and called the cheapest plumber I could find in the Yellow Pages.

Now if I could just sell my story to MasterCard, it might have been worth it.

1. Two paper towels down the toilet? 10 cents...
   
2. Driving to the store and buying a useless snake? $12.50...
   
3. The cost of finally hiring a plumber to actually unclog the toilet? $89.10...
   
4. Learning one of life's little lessons I should have known in the first place? Priceless!
   

The eyes have it. I mean ... have HAD it.

What's the deal with turning 43, 44, 45 and having your eyes go south? Who thought THAT was a good idea? I'm almost 48 now and I can't see a darn thing without some kind of correction for near or farsightedness.

I've had to wear glasses since I was 10 or 12 for seeing far away. I got used it. Didn't like it, but dealt with it. But the cool thing was I could see up REAL close for detail work on art projects or just for reading. NOW I gotta have corrections for both distances. (Unless I'm like 5 inches away from something.) Not to mention, I have about a million floaties in each eye.

This is a heck of a condition for someone who makes his living with his eyes as a photographer.

I've been thinking of getting that LASIK surgery for correcting my farsightedness. But then, I'm told, you can't see up close anymore and will always need reading glasses. But since I already need bifocals, I guess that's a moot point.

However, I DO use the 5 inch distance PERFECT vision I still have for looking at the back of my digital camera to check photo exposures. So now the question is, do I get LASIK and see well at a distance, but suffer the loss of ALL close up vison?

Has anyone out there who is about my age had LASIK? If so, what do you think of your results? Can you see up close without reading glasses? If not, is it worth the loss of close up vision to get perfect distance vision? And just how wonderful is it to have a doctor futz around in your eyeballs while you are awake thru the whole process? For the lack of a better phrase, I can just "see" it now. I'd sneeze during the most critical moment of the laser surgery and the doctor would pull back his hand with a puddle of goo that used to be my left eye and opine, "Oh, well, let's try the next eye."

When will they come up with that eye drop stuff Bones McCoy mentioned to Captain Kirk in one of those Star Trek movies? You know, that stuff that fixes your vision with a couple of drops? Why isn't technology keeping up with my eyes' needs?!? I'm a Boomer, d@mmit! We're not supposed to have to age like our parents did!